Imagine you’re eleven, living in Los Angeles County in 1994. You’re dad’s a lifeguard stud and on the weekends he leaves you with a 30dd babysitter named Christy while he moonlights as a rockstar god in Hamburg, Germany. After a while you grow tired of ogling Christy and your fingers hurt from making all those friendship bracelets so you get into hang-gliding. You looooove hanggliding. It’s the tits, and after a few years(episodes) of hanggliding, you become the national champion and overall authority for the sport. People start referring to you as Hobie, Boy Wonder—you win a couple more titles, and the fame gets to your head. You start to travel the world with your rock star dad, bumping skins with trannies, and Devil Dogging hookers, and then bam you’re 34 and you’ve picked up a few more hobbies, like PCP, and methamphetamines.
As far as the world’s concerned you’re washed up, but you don’t sweat it because you’re making bank from that junior chemistry setup inside your trailer in New Mexico. Life is good, life is reeeaal good, but you’ve given up hang-gliding—you miss it, so one day you start tweaking real bad so you load your hang-gliding equipment into your shitty pickup and hightail it up to L.A. You call up your old hang-gliding buddies, but they don’t answer—they never do, so you take one more hit from your glass pipe and decide to fly solo, but you forget to check the weather that day—there’s a serious heat front pushing 20mph winds up the coast so you get knocked off course, and them BLAMMMMMM you fucking hit the rocks.
-You Were Loved
Dear Casey,
Whenever my wife and I and our fourteen kids drove down the Penn Turnpike, we would listen to your Top 40. It makes my wife giggle like she’s eating goose livers. My kids don’t really get it, so I just tell them it’s Shaggy from Scooby Doo playing all of his favorite songs from the yesteryear. Those kids don’t know the difference.
I remember one year you went out and played a USO show for our boys overseas, just before we stormed the beaches of Normandy. You were so livid and true blue that it got me all riled up inside full of sin.
Now I know the days of long distance dedications are long gone—I came to terms with that sad fact ever since you went into the witness protection program for unmasking my high school janitor as the Pterodactyl Ghost—but for old times sake I want to dedicate Partiac Arrest’s Sperm Game Scandalz to my uncle Red Herring who is now serving time in county after falsely being accused of a crime we all know he didn’t commit.
Thanks for the memories
-You Were Loved
Winters had been heavily involved in a Twilight cartoon spin-off, just weeks before he passed. According to some who knew the actor best, he had apparently been “running with the wrong crowd” since his days of terrorizing Venice Beach with Hollywood badboy, Keifer Sutherland and the Lost Boys. Police suspect the cause of death is heavily-tied to mysticism, as Winters had been surviving off of maggots stored in Chinese Food containers and goblets filled to the brim with blood, for over twenty years. After police conducted a brief investigation finding journals and scrolls, they uncovered that Winters had been assuming the names Marko and Bill and had planned to go back in time with Michal J. Fox or Christopher Llyod and sabotage Keanu Reeves’ career.
-You Were Loved
Wow, I thought this guy died years ago. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE? I remember you would pull off all kinds of crazy shit, like putting knives through people and wearing crazy purple suit jackets. You even had a short lived show. You were the tits Johnathan. Criss Angel and Lance Burton couldn’t hold a candle to the dirty shit you got into. Damn.
-You Were Loved
I mean, I was like nine when I thought Paula Poundstone was sexy. I don’ t know if it had anything to do with her ties, or her weird accent, but I definitely did have a thing for lesbians who loved to squirt cats with water bottles in the shower. Sue me. I just wished she went back to comedy right after that kiddie diddlin charge, because if there’s one thing the world needs right now is a stand-up comedian recovering from P.K.D.D. (Post Kid Diddlin Disorder) with a weird Milwaukee accent, and asexual tendencies.
-You Were Loved
I never, ever saw this coming. Like everyone else in America I figured that since he made it into space, he’d become immortal or something. WRONG. Turns out, he died in the seventies, and the guy from Weird Science, and The Hills Have Eyes has been going around and posing as him. He even cut a record with Snoop Dogg. Take that Neil Armstrong, you dick!
-You Were Loved
I think I discovered hard-ons around the same time I caught the edited version of Elvira Mistress of the Dark on basic t.v. The sad part of it all is that I really believed that when I got older I could rent it and finally see what she looked like naked. Unbeknownst to me the movie was rated pg-13, so it wasn’t until I had access to a computer that I found out that she was actually naked in Working Girl. Good job internet!
-You Were Loved
I never saw this coming. I hum Baby Beluga in shower and thanks to him, I’m hyper aware of the benefits of eating apples and bananas. Needless to say, I’m pretty bummed. I bet Sharon, Lois & Bram are super psyched. In fact they just collaborated with Diddy, on a Skinnamarink remix. It’s the tits—sorry Raffi.
-You Were Loved
The reports are saying it was a harmless auto-erotica related death, I think/know it was Stefan. He always hated Steve for his suspenders. The funeral will be held at Oak Crest Funeral Home, followed by a short reception at cousin Myrtle’s.
You were Loved
