I have no idea how this happened. Last time I checked I was in the kitchen grabbing a sandwich and then the next thing I know good ol John is at a house party. Damn Sinclair.

-You Were Loved 

Dear Casey,

Whenever my wife and I and our fourteen kids drove down the Penn Turnpike, we would listen to your Top 40. It makes my wife giggle like she’s eating goose livers. My kids don’t really get it, so I just tell them it’s Shaggy from Scooby Doo playing all of his favorite songs from the yesteryear. Those kids don’t know the difference. 

I remember one year you went out and played a USO show for our boys overseas, just before we stormed the beaches of Normandy. You were so livid and true blue that it got me all riled up inside full of sin.

Now I know the days of long distance dedications are long gone—I came to terms with that sad fact ever since you went into the witness protection program for unmasking my high school janitor as the Pterodactyl Ghost—but for old times sake I want to dedicate Partiac Arrest’s Sperm Game Scandalz to my uncle Red Herring who is now serving time in county after falsely being accused of a crime we all know he didn’t commit. 

Thanks for the memories

-You Were Loved

Winters had  been heavily involved in a Twilight cartoon spin-off, just weeks before he passed. According to some who knew the actor best, he had apparently been “running with the wrong crowd” since his days of terrorizing Venice Beach with Hollywood badboy, Keifer Sutherland and the Lost Boys. Police suspect the cause of death is heavily-tied to mysticism, as Winters had been surviving off of maggots stored in Chinese Food containers and goblets filled to the brim with blood, for over twenty years. After police conducted a brief investigation finding journals and scrolls, they uncovered that Winters had been assuming the names Marko and Bill and had planned to go back in time with Michal J. Fox or Christopher Llyod and sabotage Keanu Reeves’ career.

-You Were Loved

Total Shock. I thought that at least one of his clones would have survived from Multiplicity but I was totally wrong. The coolest part about Michael is that he played a fucking snowman in Jack Frost. He made Burl Ives looks like a pussy; he threw snowballs at middle-school bullies, and made everyone in the movie theater cry like a bitch. I don’t even want to go into Gung-Ho that shit is classic. Damn, Michael Keaton.

-You Were Loved

I mean, I was like nine when I thought Paula Poundstone was sexy. I don’ t know if it had anything to do with her ties, or her weird accent, but I definitely did have a thing for lesbians who loved to squirt cats with water bottles in the shower. Sue me. I just wished she went back to comedy right after that kiddie diddlin charge, because if there’s one thing the world needs right now is a stand-up comedian recovering from P.K.D.D. (Post Kid Diddlin Disorder) with a weird Milwaukee accent, and asexual tendencies. 

-You Were Loved