You Were Loved*

James Earl Jones of Coming To America, and Lion King Fame, Dead at 82

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 17:04:00 -0500

Yesterday it was reported that James Earl Jones, (Darth Vader) died of unknown causes. The esteemed actor has appeared in over 144 films, and 30 plays in his long career, however he will forever be remembered for his roles in Million Dollar Baby, and the Bucket List.

Upon hearing the news, close friend Don Cheadle had this to say:
“I mean damn, James was the voice of a generation now long gone. No one can ever do what that dude did, I mean March of the Penguins, Invictus? RED? He’ll be forever missed, that’s for sure. BTW have you seen my new Showtime series? It’s good, because there’s titty in it.”

James Caan: “ I remember when I first saw the Great White Hype, and I was like what the fuck is this movie really about?“

Before passing, Jones completed filming on two last roles. The first being the upcoming Christopher Nolan film, The Dark Knight Rises, where he will reprise his role as Bruce Wayne’s butler, Luscious Jackson. The other being a made for tv movie about revolutionary writer, Armond White, titled: “Our Soul Man”

Malcolm of Malcom & Eddie, Dead at 39

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 12:47:55 -0500

Bad week for classic black celebs, first George Foreman, then Big Daddy Kane, now Malcolm Jamal Warner. Who’s next? Thank god for Herman Cain and his bid to seed more Big Sausage Pizza chains across the nation.

Remember that time Theo got into trouble with that bookie and Carl had to bail him out? I totally miss moments like that. Or when Myrtle Urkel fell in love with Theo?

I kind of wish Malcolm Jamal Warner never grew up and got mixed up with Martin Lawrence in Malcom & Eddie. The show would have been so much better with Waldo Faldo instead of Martin Lawrence. What do you think Martin is up to these days? He was a huge hit with all those Rush Hour movies, but I’m not sure where his career went after that. I think he’s doing PSA’s with Louis Gosset Jr.

Damn, Malcolm Jamal Warner.

-You Were Loved

Billy Zane, of Eyebrow Fame Dead at 37

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 09:46:56 -0400

Had it not been for his breakthrough performance as high school math teacher Jaime Escalante in the Stand & Deliver, Zane would have never made it into the latino music scene, an industry he single handedly created.

Best friend, Randy Newman says, Zane was a “powerful force of musicical inspiration”. His first single “Boner Storm” made a huge splash on the charts in 1992, and even won him a Grammy.

In the special edition of 1999’s The Mummy, Zane shed some light on most of his career, as well as his role as the the High Priest Imhotep

“So what? Yeah I played a Mummy; yeah I was Charles Bronson’s understudy in Death Wish, big deal, because you know what, I’m fucking Billy Zane, so if I want to get weird and cut a Ceasar for a shit TV movie, I fucking will.”

-You Were Loved

Hobie Buchannon (Jeremy Jackson) From Baywatch, Dies in a Hang-gliding Accident

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:55:00 -0400

Imagine you’re eleven, living in Los Angeles County in 1994. You’re dad’s a lifeguard stud and on the weekends he leaves you with a 30dd babysitter named Christy while he moonlights as a rockstar god in Hamburg, Germany. After a while you grow tired of ogling Christy and your fingers hurt from making all those friendship bracelets so you get into hang-gliding. You looooove hanggliding. It’s the tits, and after a few years(episodes) of hanggliding, you become the national champion and overall authority for the sport. People start referring to you as Hobie, Boy Wonder—you win a couple more titles, and the fame gets to your head. You start to travel the world with your rock star dad, bumping skins with trannies, and Devil Dogging hookers, and then bam you’re 34 and you’ve picked up a few more hobbies, like PCP, and methamphetamines.

As far as the world’s concerned you’re washed up, but you don’t sweat it because you’re making bank from that junior chemistry setup inside your trailer in New Mexico. Life is good, life is reeeaal good, but you’ve given up hang-gliding—you miss it, so one day you start tweaking real bad so you load your hang-gliding equipment into your shitty pickup and hightail it up to L.A. You call up your old hang-gliding buddies, but they don’t answer—they never do, so you take one more hit from your glass pipe and decide to fly solo, but you forget to check the weather that day—there’s a serious heat front pushing 20mph winds up the coast so you get knocked off course, and them BLAMMMMMM you fucking hit the rocks.

-You Were Loved

Mr. Feeny (William Daniels) dead at 81

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 16:44:00 -0500

Famous for his Knight Rider shtick/DJ mixtapes, William Daniels or Mr. Feeny to his fans, has passed. It’s reported that he suffered a heart attack while recording the third bar of his follow-up to the highly acclaimed LeatherBound Sounds LP.

Daniels, a raging tape enthusiast had been hard at work on a Fred and Ben Savage mashup which featured the vocal talents of not only Howie Mandel, but also Ryder Strong.

Close friend, Ted DiBiase had this to say:

“I met him on the circuit. He was doing voice over work for Mean Gene Okerlund on the WrestleMania arcade game, and we just became fast friends. It was kismet.

He was true blue; a lo-fi pioneer.”

Damn Mr. Feeny,

-You Were Loved

John Witherspoon, Wayans Brothers is dead at 74.

Sat, 27 Nov 2010 09:06:42 -0500

I have no idea how this happened. Last time I checked I was in the kitchen grabbing a sandwich and then the next thing I know good ol John is at a house party. Damn Sinclair.

-You Were Loved

Kathy Kinney (Mimi) of Drew Carey Fame, Dead at 57

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 19:54:00 -0500

The medical examiner said that it had something to do with the experimental makeup she had been using ever since her lay off from the Drew Carey Show. According to close friend and confidante Rosie Perez, the two would constantly dabble in Ruby Reds, Magentas, and Topaz shaded lipsticks, but it was the Emerald Green eye shadow that finally ended her career in experimental cosmetic testing. Drew Carey could not be reached for a comment as he reportedly likes to keep his hands clean, ever since his incident at the Chattanooga Burgerthon & Pie Eating Festival, but Ted Dibiase her partner of 18 years did have this to say:

“When I first laid eyes on that rainbow of a woman, I knew that I had my match. At the time I had been wearing a whole heck of a lot of spangled green suits, and large Marge top hots sprinkled in all types of glitter; I was simply mesmerized. I couldn’t take my eyes off the creature. We’d been together ever since. “

Despite Kinney’s long and storied theater career she will forever be remember for her work on Law & Order. This is a sad day for television. Damn Mimi.

-You Were Loved

Kurt Russell of Overboard Fame is Dead at 53

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 08:03:25 -0500

I was really holding out for a sequel to Big Trouble in Little China. I mean you can’t leave a solid movie like that on a cliffhanger. I wonder if that monster in the end had anything to do with his death? No, way! Come to think of it Jack Burton would beat the shit out of that thing. Now they’re going to have to replace his role with some Kurt Russell lookalike like Jeff Bridges or Matthew Modine. Or Better yet Daniel m-o-t-h-e-r f-u-c-k-i-ng Stern should do it! That guy looks just like Kurt Russell. According to IMDB, Stern was a body double for all of Russell’s sex scenes in Captain Ron.

I wonder how Tango feels about this?

You Were Loved,

P.S. Remember Executive Decision, that shit was balling!

George Foreman of Subway & Meineke Fame, Dead at 67

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 10:50:00 -0400

I don’t what George, George, and Little George are going to do now that they’ve lost their Meineke connection. Who’s going to run out and Foreman Grill there Subway Sandwiches? I know Jared’s not going to do it, he’s a selfish bastard who I hear is doing side work for Quizno’s.

Remember when Foreman got his ear bit off by Eric Butterbean on that Showtime fight night special? I remember my twin brothers ordered it and we were so psyched to hear that Butterbean was so determined to win, that he said something top the effect that he would eat Foreman’s kids and Foreman was like, “I’d like to see you fit little Georgette in your mouth”.

Boy am I going to miss those infomercials.

-Your Were Loved

flavorpill: We went there: ’90s TV Characters in Halloween...

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 22:50:31 -0400

flavorpill:

We went there: ’90s TV Characters in Halloween Costumes: A Hall of Fame

hi, I'm sally burtnick. You asked what was up with my tits on a brooklyn vegan post. Just lettin you know they're okay. They get by. Thanks!

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 15:12:58 -0400

thank you. i was super concerned.

Joan Rivers, Dead at 87

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 10:14:40 -0400

I fucking slipped into a movie on 23rd street, thinking it was The Kids Are Alright and after thirty minutes of unsettling trailers for movies like Cairo Time, it ended up being the documentary about Joan Rivers. I was HEATED! I had to sit through all these bullshit movie trailers with coupon clipping thespians and a group of flannel clad bears, just to see the movie open up to a shot of her applying her face. Eww.

-You Were Loved

Mad Scientist, Rick Moranis of Flintstones Fame, Dead at 57

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:43:30 -0400

After a long hiatus from acting, Rick Moranis returned to star in the latest installment of Honey I Shrunk the Kids 3D, directed by none other than Ewok Adventure director George Lucas. Reportedly Moranis had been filming a key scene in which he walks into a Anti-Matter ray, and shrinks himself to enter the brain of a death row inmate played by Vincent Cassel. Apparently the lazer had been live, instantly killing Moranis.

Although the cause of death seems to be clear, some of his closest friends say his death was closely tied to his obsession with Gaspar Noe’s recent Enter the Void. Apparently after watching the film Moranis had taken DMT and walked onto the set, but none of this has been verified. Nonetheless,

-You Were Loved.

Casey Kasem, Voice of Scooby Doo's Shaggy, Dead at 82

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:26:00 -0400

Dear Casey,

Whenever my wife and I and our fourteen kids drove down the Penn Turnpike, we would listen to your Top 40. It makes my wife giggle like she’s eating goose livers. My kids don’t really get it, so I just tell them it’s Shaggy from Scooby Doo playing all of his favorite songs from the yesteryear. Those kids don’t know the difference.

I remember one year you went out and played a USO show for our boys overseas, just before we stormed the beaches of Normandy. You were so livid and true blue that it got me all riled up inside full of sin.

Now I know the days of long distance dedications are long gone—I came to terms with that sad fact ever since you went into the witness protection program for unmasking my high school janitor as the Pterodactyl Ghost—but for old times sake I want to dedicate Partiac Arrest’s Sperm Game Scandalz to my uncle Red Herring who is now serving time in county after falsely being accused of a crime we all know he didn’t commit.

Thanks for the memories

-You Were Loved

Wesley Snipes, Dead at 57

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:39:00 -0400

Passenger 57 just crashed and burned. Ever see my dude in Wild Cats with Goldie Hawn? That shit is a touchstone of dope movies made in the 80’s. I’m pretty sure every director to make a movie after 1986, spent a whole afternoon watching Wildcats on loop while they giggled, and ate bons-bons with their older sister, Jenny. Don’t even get me started on Troop Beverly Hills because I know Wesley had something to do with that shit too. Word on the street is my guy was the voice of one of the robots in Batteries Not Included*, which is bananas. Just like that time when he went into the future to referee a pick-up basketball game between Judge Dread and Woody Allen.

-You Were Loved

Alex Winters (Bill) of Bill & Ted Fame, Dead at 38

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 09:16:01 -0400

Winters had been heavily involved in a Twilight cartoon spin-off, just weeks before he passed. According to some who knew the actor best, he had apparently been “running with the wrong crowd” since his days of terrorizing Venice Beach with Hollywood badboy, Keifer Sutherland and the Lost Boys. Police suspect the cause of death is heavily-tied to mysticism, as Winters had been surviving off of maggots stored in Chinese Food containers and goblets filled to the brim with blood, for over twenty years. After police conducted a brief investigation finding journals and scrolls, they uncovered that Winters had been assuming the names Marko and Bill and had planned to go back in time with Michal J. Fox or Christopher Llyod and sabotage Keanu Reeves’ career.

-You Were Loved

Beetlejuice, Batman Actor, Michael Keaton, Dead at 57

Fri, 28 May 2010 11:06:00 -0400

Total Shock. I thought that at least one of his clones would have survived from Multiplicity but I was totally wrong. The coolest part about Michael is that he played a fucking snowman in Jack Frost. He made Burl Ives looks like a pussy; he threw snowballs at middle-school bullies, and made everyone in the movie theater cry like a bitch. I don’t even want to go into Gung-Ho that shit is classic. Damn, Michael Keaton.

-You Were Loved

The Amazing Johnathan, Magician, Crowd Pleaser, Dead at 51

Wed, 26 May 2010 09:57:33 -0400

Wow, I thought this guy died years ago. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE? I remember you would pull off all kinds of crazy shit, like putting knives through people and wearing crazy purple suit jackets. You even had a short lived show. You were the tits Johnathan. Criss Angel and Lance Burton couldn’t hold a candle to the dirty shit you got into. Damn.

-You Were Loved

Paula Poundstone of Stand-up & Kiddie Diddlin Fame, Dead at 56

Tue, 25 May 2010 09:15:00 -0400

I mean, I was like nine when I thought Paula Poundstone was sexy. I don’ t know if it had anything to do with her ties, or her weird accent, but I definitely did have a thing for lesbians who loved to squirt cats with water bottles in the shower. Sue me. I just wished she went back to comedy right after that kiddie diddlin charge, because if there’s one thing the world needs right now is a stand-up comedian recovering from P.K.D.D. (Post Kid Diddlin Disorder) with a weird Milwaukee accent, and asexual tendencies.

-You Were Loved

Buzz Aldrin, Cosmic Cowboy/Space Explorer, Dead at 88

Mon, 24 May 2010 09:18:00 -0400

I never, ever saw this coming. Like everyone else in America I figured that since he made it into space, he’d become immortal or something. WRONG. Turns out, he died in the seventies, and the guy from Weird Science, and The Hills Have Eyes has been going around and posing as him. He even cut a record with Snoop Dogg. Take that Neil Armstrong, you dick!

-You Were Loved