James Earl Jones of Coming To America, and Lion...
Yesterday it was reported that James Earl Jones, (Darth Vader) died of unknown causes. The esteemed actor has appeared in over 144 films, and 30 plays in his long career, however he will forever be remembered for his roles in Million Dollar Baby, and the Bucket List. Upon hearing the news, close friend Don Cheadle had this to say: “I mean damn, James was the voice of a generation now...
Malcolm of Malcom & Eddie, Dead at 39
Bad week for classic black celebs, first George Foreman, then Big Daddy Kane, now Malcolm Jamal Warner. Who’s next? Thank god for Herman Cain and his bid to seed more Big Sausage Pizza chains across the nation. Remember that time Theo got into trouble with that bookie and Carl had to bail him out? I totally miss moments like that. Or when Myrtle Urkel fell in love with Theo? I kind...
Billy Zane, of Eyebrow Fame Dead at 37
Had it not been for his breakthrough performance as high school math teacher Jaime Escalante in the Stand & Deliver, Zane would have never made it into the latino music scene, an industry he single handedly created. Best friend, Randy Newman says, Zane was a “powerful force of musicical inspiration”. His first single “Boner Storm” made a huge...
Hobie Buchannon (Jeremy Jackson) From Baywatch,...
Imagine you’re eleven, living in Los Angeles County in 1994. You’re dad’s a lifeguard stud and on the weekends he leaves you with a 30dd babysitter named Christy while he moonlights as a rockstar god in Hamburg, Germany. After a while you grow tired of ogling Christy and your fingers hurt from making all those friendship bracelets so you get into hang-gliding. You looooove...
Mr. Feeny (William Daniels) dead at 81
Famous for his Knight Rider shtick/DJ mixtapes, William Daniels or Mr. Feeny to his fans, has passed. It’s reported that he suffered a heart attack while recording the third bar of his follow-up to the highly acclaimed LeatherBound Sounds LP. Daniels, a raging tape enthusiast had been hard at work on a Fred and Ben Savage mashup which featured the vocal talents of not only...
John Witherspoon, Wayans Brothers is dead at 74.
I have no idea how this happened. Last time I checked I was in the kitchen grabbing a sandwich and then the next thing I know good ol John is at a house party. Damn Sinclair. -You Were Loved
Kathy Kinney (Mimi) of Drew Carey Fame, Dead at 57
The medical examiner said that it had something to do with the experimental makeup she had been using ever since her lay off from the Drew Carey Show. According to close friend and confidante Rosie Perez, the two would constantly dabble in Ruby Reds, Magentas, and Topaz shaded lipsticks, but it was the Emerald Green eye shadow that finally ended her career in...
Kurt Russell of Overboard Fame is Dead at 53
I was really holding out for a sequel to Big Trouble in Little China. I mean you can’t leave a solid movie like that on a cliffhanger. I wonder if that monster in the end had anything to do with his death? No, way! Come to think of it Jack Burton would beat the shit out of that thing. Now they’re going to have to replace his role with some Kurt Russell lookalike...
George Foreman of Subway & Meineke Fame, Dead at...
I don’t what George, George, and Little George are going to do now that they’ve lost their Meineke connection. Who’s going to run out and Foreman Grill there Subway Sandwiches? I know Jared’s not going to do it, he’s a selfish bastard who I hear is doing side work for Quizno’s. Remember when Foreman got his ear bit off by Eric Butterbean on that Showtime...
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Joan Rivers, Dead at 87
I fucking slipped into a movie on 23rd street, thinking it was The Kids Are Alright and after thirty minutes of unsettling trailers for movies like Cairo Time, it ended up being the documentary about Joan Rivers. I was HEATED! I had to sit through all these bullshit movie trailers with coupon clipping thespians and a group of flannel clad bears, just to see the movie open up to a shot of her...
Mad Scientist, Rick Moranis of Flintstones Fame,...
After a long hiatus from acting, Rick Moranis returned to star in the latest installment of Honey I Shrunk the Kids 3D, directed by none other than Ewok Adventure director George Lucas. Reportedly Moranis had been filming a key scene in which he walks into a Anti-Matter ray, and shrinks himself to enter the brain of a death row inmate played by Vincent Cassel. Apparently the lazer had been...
Casey Kasem, Voice of Scooby Doo's Shaggy, Dead at...
Dear Casey, Whenever my wife and I and our fourteen kids drove down the Penn Turnpike, we would listen to your Top 40. It makes my wife giggle like she’s eating goose livers. My kids don’t really get it, so I just tell them it’s Shaggy from Scooby Doo playing all of his favorite songs from the yesteryear. Those kids don’t know the difference. I...
Wesley Snipes, Dead at 57
Passenger 57 just crashed and burned. Ever see my dude in Wild Cats with Goldie Hawn? That shit is a touchstone of dope movies made in the 80’s. I’m pretty sure every director to make a movie after 1986, spent a whole afternoon watching Wildcats on loop while they giggled, and ate bons-bons with their older sister, Jenny. Don’t even get me started on Troop Beverly...
Alex Winters (Bill) of Bill & Ted Fame, Dead at 38
Winters had been heavily involved in a Twilight cartoon spin-off, just weeks before he passed. According to some who knew the actor best, he had apparently been “running with the wrong crowd” since his days of terrorizing Venice Beach with Hollywood badboy, Keifer Sutherland and the Lost Boys. Police suspect the cause of death is heavily-tied to mysticism, as...
Beetlejuice, Batman Actor, Michael Keaton, Dead at...
Total Shock. I thought that at least one of his clones would have survived from Multiplicity but I was totally wrong. The coolest part about Michael is that he played a fucking snowman in Jack Frost. He made Burl Ives looks like a pussy; he threw snowballs at middle-school bullies, and made everyone in the movie theater cry like a bitch. I don’t even want to go into...
The Amazing Johnathan, Magician, Crowd Pleaser,...
Wow, I thought this guy died years ago. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE? I remember you would pull off all kinds of crazy shit, like putting knives through people and wearing crazy purple suit jackets. You even had a short lived show. You were the tits Johnathan. Criss Angel and Lance Burton couldn’t hold a candle to the dirty shit you got into. Damn. -You Were Loved
Paula Poundstone of Stand-up & Kiddie Diddlin...
I mean, I was like nine when I thought Paula Poundstone was sexy. I don’ t know if it had anything to do with her ties, or her weird accent, but I definitely did have a thing for lesbians who loved to squirt cats with water bottles in the shower. Sue me. I just wished she went back to comedy right after that kiddie diddlin charge, because if there’s one thing the...
Buzz Aldrin, Cosmic Cowboy/Space Explorer, Dead at...
I never, ever saw this coming. Like everyone else in America I figured that since he made it into space, he’d become immortal or something. WRONG. Turns out, he died in the seventies, and the guy from Weird Science, and The Hills Have Eyes has been going around and posing as him. He even cut a record with Snoop Dogg. Take that Neil Armstrong, you dick! -You Were Loved
Elvira, Mistress of The Dark, Dead at 59
I think I discovered hard-ons around the same time I caught the edited version of Elvira Mistress of the Dark on basic t.v. The sad part of it all is that I really believed that when I got older I could rent it and finally see what she looked like naked. Unbeknownst to me the movie was rated pg-13, so it wasn’t until I had access to a computer that I found out that she was...
Raffi of Baby Beluga Fame, Dead at 71
I never saw this coming. I hum Baby Beluga in shower and thanks to him, I’m hyper aware of the benefits of eating apples and bananas. Needless to say, I’m pretty bummed. I bet Sharon, Lois & Bram are super psyched. In fact they just collaborated with Diddy, on a Skinnamarink remix. It’s the tits—sorry Raffi. -You Were Loved
Home Alone & With Honors actor Joe Pesci, dead at...
He was so tiny you wouldn’t even noticed that he passed. Quick question have you ever seen the Super? It’s hysterical, but it’s no 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag. It’s a shame though that he always got typecasted for playing an Italian which is ironic, because he’s Middle-Eastern—Turkish, I think. His family owns a kebab and baklava...
Steve Guttenberg is Very Dead, Since 1992
I really loved Three Men and a Baby , and Cocoon. If I had it my way I would of kidnapped him after Three Men and Little Lady, and mined him in a remote location in Arkansas. Pure gem. -You Were Loved
Roseanne Barr Has Passed at 57.
Like yesterday I remembered when you sang the shit out the National Anthem; I remember your divorce(s) and I also remember that super sweet nude spread for the now defunct Gear Mag—you had a slammin body. Maybe now that you’re gone Tom Arnold might have more time to get back into some serious acting, like the Oscar nominated Stupids and the dramedy of Carpool. ...
Jaleel White Dead at 34
Reluctant Optimist The reports are saying it was a harmless auto-erotica related death, I think/know it was Stefan. He always hated Steve for his suspenders. The funeral will be held at Oak Crest Funeral Home, followed by a short reception at cousin Myrtle’s. You were Loved